Tuesday, December 23, 2008

fly like the eagle bird...

The swing was bright yellow in colour. She and her friends would take turns on it every day, trying to swing faster each time. It was she who came up with the idea. According to her, as the swing went high in the air, at the precise moment, in the precise position, if one jumped, one would fly... “just like that eagle bird Mama pointed out that day.” And of course everyone believed her. She was, after all, the one who made that ‘flying saucer thingie’.
She wanted to be the first to fly, so she mounted the swing. Feeling the familiar surge of energy (or adrenaline, as the grown-ups would say), which came every time she embarked on one of her adventures, she pushed off and kicked her legs to and fro with all her might. The swing rose high and for some reason, the image of her favourite chocolate truffle cake (“the one my Mama makes!”) came to her mind. She pumped her legs with as much energy as she could muster. The swing went faster and faster. She could hear her friends cheering, somewhere far below. At the precise moment, in the precise position, she let go. She flew for precisely 2.3 seconds before she crashed. She whispered to herself as her friends ran to her side, “Next time, I should jump after about five more seconds. Then I’ll fly like that eagle bi... Mama show...” And then, she lost consciousness...

Thursday, November 13, 2008

the voice...

The whistle sounded. The people on the platform started moving to my right. They were all moving in the same way. Only I sat still... in the train. I looked at them pass by and I smiled.

I am 28 years old; I feel forty though. I have had a good life, neither too great, nor too bad... just like you. Yes, I am an ordinary woman, with curves and flats in the wrong places and lots of bad hair days too. I work in one of those nondescript schools: a nondescript teacher. I write occasionally, but my ‘art’ remains hidden in my diary. Soon, I’ll be the nondescript wife of a nondescript guy and be part of a nondescript family in a nondescript place. Life...

I took a book; flipped its pages. And my mind drifted...
It was a cloudy evening. The wind was strong, and I could get an occasional whiff of the salty air from the sea. I love such days. I was standing on my balcony, watching the trees dance. And that was when I saw the dog. He looked like a stray dog, but he had a black collar around his neck. Why I noticed him was because of the happiness he seemed to exude. He was happiness... from the top of his head to the tip of his short tail. And he was smiling... no, I am not exaggerating. I could even say he was laughing, the way his tongue was lolling out, and the way he was prancing. I heard a man’s voice. “Patch!” The dog ran to meet him, whoever he was...
And somehow I remember thinking of that voice... again and again...
Two days passed. It was raining heavily that day. I love watching the rain. I love listening to it too. I was gazing out of my window, when I saw the dog...again. It jumped out of a car and ran across the street. A truck came, rounded the corner... A tall man stepped out of the car, wearing a long coat. His face was covered by a muffler. He ran to where the dog lay...dead. I heard his voice. “Patch...” I cried that day... for the happy dog... and for that voice.
I saw the car several more times, but I never saw him for the longest time. Four months after the dog died, I was watering my plants when my mother’s old college mate knocked. She had come to invite us for her son’s marriage.
I wore blue silk for the wedding. It was the first time I was meeting the groom. I took one look at him, and I somehow felt... no, I knew... it was whom the voice belonged to. And then, when he spoke to me, I was sure of it. His wife was not too pretty, but she had a lovely smile.
“Falling in love is not a flash decision. It is something you do after a lot of thought,” I had heard myself say to my friends over and over again. But I fell in love with a voice, a voice which had uttered a single word, that too not to me... the voice of a man who had called out to a stray dog so lovingly..had made it laugh...

I move on... I'll never forget the voice though...

Friday, November 07, 2008


the burden in my heart feels so heavy:

it's like i am carrying a seven month old foetus in my chest....

i feel the bile rising,
quite like morning sickness
i feel the taste of puke in my mouth...

i know i crave for something,
though i really dont know what i want...

this 'pregnancy' makes me want to throw things
i have to restrain though,
for the sake of others...

but in the end, it makes me produce ...
what you see right now is my baby...
my flesh and blood...

i love it...
it is beautiful in my eyes...

you may hate it...
i really dont care..
its mine... only mine...

Monday, November 03, 2008

the shadow....

dark blue
blue night
dark, dead...

quiet noise,
whispering blood...
dark blood

a wave
now a ripple


the guitar strums
a dirge-
dull, clawing-
floats like a disembodied spirit...

the cloying sweetness of cheap perfume
the air fills with it...

blood drips...
the unmistakable sound
of death.

death smells
of mouldy cheese.

the dark shadow is on the move again,
in the dark blue
blue night...

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

mood swings....

i feel like

flinging up leaves
walkin beneath that shower

blowing spit bubbles
bursting them

throwing pebbles into pools
watching them skid

just sitting

smashing my head
on a big rock

throwing around
heavy furniture

tearing, shredding

just looking at people

for no reason

listening to
sad music

romantic mushes

just gazing at the clouds



lounging around

just smiling

jumping into a puddle
splashing around

whirling round
hooting all the while

laughing out loud
at nothing

just living....

Sunday, October 12, 2008

the smell of nostalgia...

slightly sour



feel it

like a small prick

like parting a curtain of fog
looking at scenes
a hazy play

like a unforgettable dream
dreamt in awakenness
awake yet asleep

like sunshine
warming the face

like a feather
slowly stroking your back

like a rivulet of ice cold water
down your warm belly


i miss u...

the dream maker

i saw the dream maker
with wisps of white hair

his hair interested me the most

his white night cap

he smiled
a toothy grin

i remember
bad teeth

i retched

he said
his hair made the dreams

he was lonely
i felt sad and repelled the same time

the dream maker
he visited me in my dream

he wanted friendship

i wanted his dreams

i woke up sweating...

Saturday, October 04, 2008



the colour
her frock
faded sandals
torn bag

the feeling

the symbol
traffic light
light dancing in the eyes

the sound of death


flashing red

the color
the feeling
the symbol

she lies dead...


green trees
freshly laundered
wet leaves

a smile
a wet smile

i held his hand
in the rain
wet hands

the grass beneath
a wet kiss

wet bones

loving it
wet love

completely wet....

Friday, October 03, 2008

a bout of insanity

I can imagine throwing thin glass beakers
Conical flasks, test tubes...
Thin glass
See them come crashing down
On the wall

I can imagine the sound they would make
The tiny tinkling
The music as they drop onto the ground
As each sharp shard falls
The point touching the floor first

I can imagine the pieces lying about
Each a mirror in itself
They reflect an image
A dishevelled woman
Huddled in the corner
Peering at the outside world
Through the curtain of her hair
Strands of hair
All over her face
In her mouth
On her clothes
All over her face
In her mouth
On her clothes

She takes a sharp shard
Places it on her throat
A gush...

I shake myself
I stop my thoughts
Slow my breath
A bout of insanity...

Friday, September 19, 2008


i looked back
a cloud

when it was dry.

and then...
was sucked back up

rain :
sucked up...

did they care
how it hurts
each drop
from my being


and then...
sucked dry
waiting to rain
all over again

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

a word of advice....

i discovered i love blogging... i was in quite a bad mood today... and i suddenly felt like scribbling to vent my frustration..and so here i am!!... i was actually feelin quite discouraged earlier abt my blog... i mean... nobody even cared!!! but i hav grown up bloggily... i actually don care if u read it or not.. it feels good jus to write ... n write ... n write....and to know ur scribblings wont b lost!!
to those of u who don kno hw to vent out anger or hurt... my advice.. try writing... put each of ur feelings down... its quite fun... u should see my diary when i am down!! it is filled with scratches n cuts n big bold words!!! and then the fun gets better wen u turn back those pages aftr mebbe two months ... u suddenly realise how bloody stupid u were... n how much u hav grown in those two months!! yes... u actually do end up laughin at urself n also in some ways appreciatin yourself too... there were even times wen i thought i was mentally derailed while writing all those down!!

so try this out n let me kno how it works out for u.. at least it is better than breakin stuff or worse.. hurtin ppl right??....

pls don assume only ppl with a flair for language can be successful in this.. oh please... if it works for me, it will work for everyone!! happy doodling!!!

Sunday, September 14, 2008


i am mooned
i am obsessed...

last night

clear night
so warm

bright bright bright


growing up



unspoken all of it

i am

Saturday, September 13, 2008

to look beyond...

(1) i took upon myself a thrill a task a risk self discovery to look beyond i cried i was the only one who liked myself illusions destroyed i lost the only admirer i ever had i m lonely i m tired scared (2) center me i myself what futility think of u we us all are faulty compassion comprehension sadism or perhaps masochism call it what you may i really do not care do not mistake me i enjoy this

Wednesday, September 03, 2008

u kno wat i m afraid of? that nobody will notice this blog...

i mean.... i want to remain anonymous not cos i want to exploit some one but cos i m shy... i don kno hw ppl will react to my writing... i am a coward afraid of opinions... afraid of hearin frm ppl this is total crap... it feels worse wen it come frm ppl u do kno... strangers are kinder in that sense...

so i seek refuge in my anonymity...

but how do i get strangers to notice me?!!

some day.....

some day....
it will all pass...
sorrow n laughter...
some day...
ill find u...
some day...
ull leave too...
some day...
ill look back...
and cry...
i miss u...
or so i think...
some day...
ill regain some sense...
my self...
i realise...
some day...
life was a farce..
i smiled when i didnt want to...
i forgot to cry when i had to..
some day...
ill realise...
i was wrong all the while...
some day...
ill look back and think...
some day...
ill change this all...
but somwhere some day....
i realise...
this is me...
all this is me...
ill smile again...
some day....